Fallen
by Zedd07
Summary: The last thing I want is to see you cry. Towa
1. Chapter 1

Setting: Some time during the first 24 episodes

Pairings: Yuki+Towa, Santa+Yuki for this chapter

Note from the Author: Warning: Possible yaoi. Other than that, this is my first kaikan fic.

**Chapter One**

He was half-hoping that his father did not mean what he had said the day Yuki left the Noh conference for the band competition. He wished everything had not happened, from being stripped of his very name to being banned from their household. But the refusal of his father to talk to him on the phone before the band began the journey back home brought him back to the harsh reality he had been trying for weeks to avoid. He had told his bandmates especially Towa that he will still be needing a place to stay after the tour; if the fates ever decide to totally turn their backs on him by not having found a place after all that has happened (which seemed to be the case), then his friends might share their place.

Yuki chose to sit at the back to avoid the attention. As the van rolled out of the parking lot and left for their final destination, he gazed out the window and at the clouds lazily drifting high above blue skies. He found it ironic to be craving for Noh practices, since he had detested having to attend to those ever since he was small. Yet it was only during those practices could he let his mind slip away, without worrying about committing a mistake in front of his father (the thought of him depressed the guitarist more), having mastered the part. It was during these times when Yuki set his mind free, dreaming of his band reaching dizzying heights.

So sad for such a dream to be squashed the minute the judges announced their final decision. Many people said being a first runner-up is good enough, considering how many contestants joined and how tough the competition was. What they do not know is the feeling of being only second best - you will never be satisfied, knowing you are so close to the top.

Everytime the others question what might have gone wrong, Yuki felt a stab in his chest, feeling responsible for their failure. If it were not for him, they would have been more confident and more practiced before entering the competition proper. Having barely made it and lifting his bandmates spirits upon his return did not cut it; he will always wonder if they would have won had he decided between the Noh conference and the competition earlier or to put it bluntly, between his father or the band.

He released a deep sigh - he failed both anyway. He diverted his attention to his friends for a while, not taking his eyes off the window. Yuka was saying something about gaining something from the tour - friends, experience and a lot of fun among other things. While it sounded encouraging, it was not far from steering them away from the truth. "We didn't get what we really went there for." Yuki countered softly.

"...Aa. D-demo, we wouldn't have any regrets since we know we tried." Yuka replied less confidently.

Yuki ignored Santa's glance from the rearview mirror. Yuki knew Santa didn't like others ruining people's light spirits, but they have to know where they stand, and they were nowhere near the victory they wanted. If their last gig fails as well, they would be nothing but starving artists who would rely on day jobs unless they give up on their dream - a dream he started, they followed and failed altogether.

Despite their misfortune, the others didn't seem to be losing hope, as he noted Yuka's light tone when she spoke to her and Atsuro's mother on the phone, announcing their return from the tour. Yuki let a small smile grace his lips at the news of a small dinner at their house. He was glad that everything was fine between Atsuro and his dad again. He remembered Atsuro having arguments with his own dad, choosing between the band and his education; but they have reached an agreement now. Yuki's smile faded - his father would never agree to compromise.

He could almost hear his voice now.

Their tradition, with the former heir of the household passing the art of Noh from generation to generation, along with it the responsibility to keep their tradition alive. It was what defined Toudou Yukifumi. Acceptance of this fate guaranteed him the luxuries of what an heir deserved - fame, fortune, a bright future, everything anyone could hope for except for freedom and happiness.

Now, he was banned from the household, released of his responsibility as its heir and no longer a son of his parents. He was nothing more but a struggling artist, and he had nothing more but his passion for music, his freedom, his happiness, and a few bills to live through a few days. He was no longer the silent, obedient son of an aristocrat that people used to know. Now, he was simply Yuki.

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Yuki's problem was no secret. In fact, even before Yuki spelled it out for them, Santa had already known that his friend had been thrown out and will be needing all the help he could get - support, money, and of course a temporary place to stay. Santa was eager to help; only he was taken aback when it was Towa whom the tall raven-haired guitarist approached first and asked the blond a favor that Santa would have gladly done for him, which was why Santa was feeling a tad bit jealous of the silent bassist.

The tour occupied them for a while that Santa almost forgot about it. The 'jealousy' that he felt towards the blond bassist was overshadowed by defeat. In those few weeks, the only thing that preoccupied him was their loss, had thought about the reasons on and off the road, and when they were lucky, during a gig. It was when he spent some of his nights in the van with Yuki while thinking of home that he would remember - Yuki had nothing to go back to, not even a house.

He thought he did not even have to approach Yuki to offer his help, expecting the other man to ask him instead. He would have been glad to take him under his wing for a while.

_Why didn't he ask me?_ Santa frowned as he pulled over beside their favorite diner. He glanced over his rear view mirror and caught sight of Yuki and Towa's solemn faces as they boarded off the van. Yuki had known Santa long before he met the blond..._Or have they met even before Climb?_ which was impossible because Santa would have known..._wouldn't I?_

He blew a few damp locks out of his face and got out of his van to see his friends off. He put on a cheerful face as he faced the siblings, Atsuro and Yuka. "So, we'll be seeing each other at the concert, ne? Don't party too hard."

"Demo, aren't you guys going tonight?" Yuka pouted.

"I'm sure we'll have to fix our things when we get back home, in my case maybe even patch the roof. It's going to rain a lot since it looks like there's a storm comin'." Santa laughed, scratching the back of his head. He did not really felt like going, having to put on a silly grin on his face all night. What he really wanted to do was to sit at home and sulk. Why he was taking it too personaly was beyond him, perhaps Yuki might have his own reasons why he preferred to ask their bassist instead of approaching him. _Maybe he thought asking me would be too much, or maybe he was thinking I have problems of my own that adding his would only aggravate my situation more._

Only thinking about it was annoying him. With his brows tiwtching, he could not help but frown. _Is my place not big enough for him?_

"...like there is. We just have to pray it wouldn't fall on us during the concert." Atsuro shrugged, glancing at each of them, lastly at Santa who had just caught the end of the redhead's comment.

"I'm off." Sakuya said shortly before restarting his bike anddriving off.

Santa snorted. "The guy didn't even bother to get off his bike to have a little chit-chat." Like there would be any more anyway; with the look on Atsuro and Yuka's faces, they seemed more than eager to get home and give their parents a hug. As for Towa and Yuki...on second thought, he did not feel like seeing all of them off. "I won't be keeping you any longer. I'll go on ahead. See ya." He climbed on the driver seat of his van and closed the door.

He was right about Atsuro and Yuka; their excitement reflected in their smiles and their voices as they waited for Santa to pull out of the curb. Santa felt a small smile grace his lips as he bent down a little to turn the key in the ignition. He would have gone to dinner with them, but then he would remember the rest, the three other members of the band who would most likely be absent - Sakuya would make up an excuse not to go so he could enjoy the confines of his little room to himself, which is something he had surely missed having been away for a few weeks. Yuki would have to fix his things and Towa would have to accompany him.

Santa's gaze fell on the temperature gauge, trying to erase the frown on his lips before facing his friends again. He knew Yuki would notice because he had known Santa for quite a while that he had learned to tell the difference between a fake and a genuine smile; and even though Towa said little, Santa knew the blond was equally observant he could almost swear the guy could read his mind.

"Are you sure you couldn't drop by for just a few minutes?" Atsuro asked, his voice having to fight it off with the other voices inside Santa's head.

"Aa. I'd have love to, though." Santa managed a smile before sparing each one a glance. "Bye then." He waved before the van lurched forward, his last gaze falling upon Yuki who, despite being a master of deceiving people into thinking he was fine, couldn't even wave back at him.

_He doesn't need a fight with me right now,_ Santa sighed, leaning against the head rest and gazing at the road ahead. Yuki has a lot on his mind, the last thing the man needed was a pointless argument with him.

_I'm not all arguments, Yuki. I'm your friend, and I can do everything that friends do right down to the cheesiest ones._ Santa scowled inwardly as he shifted his gears and sped down the road.

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If there was one thing that Santa got correctly, it was Towa's uncanny ability to read people's faces and from their expressions, their surface thoughts. Take Yuki for example. On the outside, the man radiated authority, balance, and stability. In a sense, Atsuro had been right at having said that Yuki was the one that kept them together. The man had to be drawing strength from a bottomless pit somewhere - no one else could deal with four stubborn men without going hay wire besides Yuki.

Yet underneath the facade, Towa was able to see a different side of him - submissive, imbalanced, and instable, the complete opposite. Submissive because Yuki endured his father at having dominated over his time, his decisions, in fact, his entire life. He would bow to any of their bandmates' whims given that they were reasonable.

Imbalanced because Towa knew the man had to be having second thoughts about leaving his family and having to face uncertainty. Up until now there was still a part of Yuki wishing he hadn't left; after all, Yuki was not the type to hate his father for living his life. Another part of Yuki would have been glad about his decision, if not for the guilt trying to swallow him whole from failing his father.

Hence, his instability. Towa was only counting the hours until he would finally see the gutarist's mask shatter. Part of him waited in anticipation, part of him dreaded it. Seeing Yuki break down was like seeing Lucifer as a whole fall apart.

Reading people was Towa's gift, as well as his curse. He was reminded of that now, the moment he saw Santa's face when the man temporarily unboarded his van to bid them goodbye. Compared to Yuki , the drummer was easier to read - Santa was an open book; what you see is what you get, as the saying goes. And even though the drummer was painstakingly hiding his frown, his smile was too tight, his eyes were unsteady and he was scratching the back of his head. The last one was a dead giveaway.

Plus a few very obvious hints - for one, Santa never refused a party.

Changing his mind about seeing them off was another.

Something was bothering the man, although Towa could not put his finger on it. Apparently, Towa was not kept in the dark for long - thanks to his gift. Or curse. Or whatever it was called.

Santa's last gaze fell upon Yuki before the van rolled away. The blond had already seen that look on the drummer's face - it was hurt, similar to the one he had seen the first time he met both Santa and Yuki; it was when Santa said something about betrayal. It was only later when Towa found out that Santa's girlfriend left him for another bandmate.

The look he gave Towa was different.

"Damn, I think Santa might have jinxed us." Atsuro frowned, staring at thick, dark clouds overhead.

"Don't say that. Anyway, it doesn't look like it's going to fall." Was Yuka's reply.

Yuki looked up and observed the clouds slowly going west - towards them. "I smell rain."

"Not you too, Yuki!"

Towa let the light banter slip past him as he stared at the blank space in front of him, which was where Santa had been a while ago. He swore he had seen that expression before -

"Not one of you are coming? Mom prepared lots of food for us!"

"...tempura, steamed lobster, lots of sake-"

"Stop it, you guys are making me hungry."

"What I would give to have you guys over at our house!"

"Oi, Atsuro. You're making me-"

Jealous.

Towa's eyes widened at the word.

"Towa?"

The bassist slightly jumped at the hand that suddenly tapped his shoulder. Recovering quickly and regaining his composure, he turned and faced a slightly concerned Yuki.

"Are you all right?"

He nodded and smiled. "It does look like it's going to rain, but it's also humid. Maybe we better get going."

Yuki pursed his lips grimly then turned to the siblings. "We'd better go, and you should too. I'm not kidding when I said it's going to rain."

"Since when did you become a weatherman?" Atsuro snickered as he ushered her sister toward the opposite way.

"Bye!" Yuki shooed them off with finality.

Towa smiled at the two before turning away to walk in companiable silence with Yuki. The advantage of which is the lack of need of conversation. The downside of which is being alone with your thoughts.

Perhaps jealousy was too strong a word to describe what he had seen. _What would you call it then?_ Towa's jaw clenched. He clamped at the word and at his subconscious' mouth with an imaginary hand. A small throb in his head promised a migraine that might annoy him for the rest of the day if he did not stop thinking and get to the nearest air-conditioned room already.

He was relieved that his condo was not a mirage he was seeing but the real thing as they climbed up the steps toward his unit. The blond released a sigh he was unaware of holding as he mechanically dropped his bags in the corner of the room. "I have a spare futon and some pillows in the cabinet in the room for you to sleep on."

"You're the one who needs rest."

Come to think of it, that's the understatement of the year. During the entire tour, Towa had never slept well. From the looks of it, neither did the older man. "Maybe you need it more than I do."

Yuki laughed. "You go ahead. I think I'll unpack first."

Maybe it was best to leave Yuki to his own devices and sleep off his headache. Towa nodded and made the man promise to wake him an hour before supper so that he could prepare something for them.

After having closed his door, he trudged in the dark and savoured the cool air. With the assurance that his knees had bumped into his bed he unceremoniously dropped himself on the soft mattress. The moment his head hit the pillows he was instantly asleep.

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tbc


	2. Chapter 2

Timeline: Some time during episode 18. (Same goes for the first chapter)

Pairings: SantaxYuki, TowaxYuki, YukixTowa, SakuyaxYuki

Note from author: Thanks to all those who reviewed. Never thought anyone would so I'm uber gateful! So thank you: ice-dwine and Immortal-Romance! Also Thanks goes to all the readers! (So many, and it's only the first chapter) Never would have thought anyone would read it. Hope you continue reading. For those who are curious, if you do not read yaoi, please exit this page, otherwise, hope you enjoy!

**Chapter Two**

Atsuro frowned as he paced their living room, waiting for his sister. After searching the whole house for Yuka's whereabouts to no avail, he finally admitted the fact that his sister had gone out despite the strong wind and the downpour. He sat restlessly in front of the door, anxious of his sister's return.

He was afraid that her sister might be going mad.

Maybe not; but she was becoming overly obsessed with having to do everything it takes to help Lucifer. At first, all she did was spend hours on the flyers and the tickets. From there it was days and a whole month with the band on live shows and recently the tour. He was beginning to suspect that if Lucifer lived together in one house, she would be living with them too.

Atsuro offered his umpteenth prayer to all the saints and the gods for the safety of his sister.

The door opened and Atsuro finally drew a sigh of relief.

"Y-yuka!"

The rather drenched but still smiling sister of Atsuro and manager of Lucifer stood slightly shivering in front of the door, setting aside her umbrella.

Atsuro frowned at her. "What have you been up to?"

"Just, something." Yuka beamed proudly. "I've put up the flyers in the stores and given them to people to inform them of Lucifer's concert tomorrow."

"Ne, you should have told me so I could have helped you."

"It's my job, don't worry about me." Yuka wagged a finger in front of her him. "Your job is to practice for tomorrow, okay? Good luck!"

"But Yuka - "

"No buts. Practice, practice, practice!"

Atsuro laughed as his sister pushed him all the way upstairs and into his room before disappearing with a giggle.

"Yuka," Atsuro shook his head after closing the door. He owed it to them to do his best at the concert; everyone has worked so hard for it, so there was no reason for his worries and anxieties to slow them down.

He frowned at the rattling windows and at the sight of the dark clouds outside. The rain never stopped since Yuka had left earlier.

There will be a storm tomorrow.

Atsuro approached the windows and put a hand on each to stop them from shaking. He glared at the clouds that brought the rain. He scowled at the wind that managed to strike at the windows even though he was already holding them down. With a sigh, he abandoned them and flopped on his bed beside his guitar.

Despite apologizing to his sister earlier that day for being pessimistic about the concert, he could not help but expect the worst. Of course he would want to see a lot of people tomorrow, but the tour was not exactly a success. To top it all off, the storm will directly hit the city tomorrow at dawn.

_No one would want to see a concert during a storm._

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Normally, people having nightmares would not know they were in one, would perceive that everything happening was real, as if someone really was chasing them with a chain saw or trying to run them down with a car.

Normally, people having nightmares would toss and turn in their beds, their bodies matted in sweat and faces contorted in fear as they scream and flail around, trying to get rid of a non-existent threat.

Towa was not one of those people.

Sure, he was frightened of the nightmares he'd had like all of the other people had been with theirs.

But as far as he was concerned, he did not find himself struggling in his bed, nor did he find himself drenched in sweat. Although for the most part he could remember breathing sharply and trying to push his head deeper into his pillow before shooting his eyes open to stare wildly at his ceiling.

He was not screaming because had he been, Yuki would have barged into his room.

Most importantly, he knew he was having a nightmare, but he chose not to wake up from it.

It was normal for him to dream about his parents every now and then. The last time had been about when they found out he was gone. His father had a fit of rage and had just about expelled him from the house; a scenario he was not supposed to see (because in reality, what had happened was that he was not there at all to witness his parents' reactions upon his departure), but since dreams were that way, Towa was not surprised. What surprised him was that though he knew it was only a nightmare, he gave in to the flow of his emotions and reacted as though it were real.

This dream was a repetition of that only with an added feature - a fight with one of his band mates.

He remembered that before falling asleep he had told himself not to brood over what he thought he had seen from Santa a few hours ago. He thought he had erased it from his mind, forgotten forever and left along with the other unimportant events of the past (and hopefully, everything else he had wanted desperately to forget); but the image of Santa still burned at the opposite dark corner of the room and he could still remember his words.

_You stole him from me._

That would be Yuki, because he had remembered the different look Santa had given the guitarist before the van moved away.

Though it might not be jealousy on Santa's part because Santa was straight the last time Towa could recall. _He did have a girlfriend before Lucifer and he's not about to start liking guys now, right?_ And why did it bother him, anyway? Did he like Yuki that way?

Dreams - sometimes, they are products of the future and most often than not past events, either exact replicas or modified with a little extra help from the imaginations of the dreamers themselves.

Towa decided it was modified. He cursed himself for having a very creative and colorful mind.

Deciding that brooding over the subject was pointless (and Santa's look could be anything else other than jealousy) he rose and glanced at the clock, which told him it was about time he got up to make supper.

At least having a nightmare relieved Yuki of the task of waking him up.

Combing his hair with his hands into some semblance of order, he sighed and made for the door, leaving his musings aside for a little while.

He prided upon having afforded such a spacious apartment. Either that or he really wasn't very particular with furniture and only thought of purchasing what was needed - a living room set, a small coffee table and a twin-size bed. The only luxury he allowed himself (aside from the air conditioning that is) was a long, custom-made low cabinet, which housed some of his magazines and CD collections alongside his stereo. The table rested opposite the living room set, adjacent to the coffee table at the far left corner of the room, leaving the center empty - usually. Now, a certain band mate occupied that space as he moved around with graceful gestures and quiet steps.

Towa leaned against the door jamb, observing the other man. Either the apartment was really that spacious or Yuki had by then measured how many more steps he could take with his eyes closed and without bumping his knee against the center table. Towa watched further as Yuki turned, daftly avoiding the perceived injury and continuing the ritual unnerved and unharmed. Yuka had told him about a girl raving about having seen Yuki dash down the steps toward the backstage and leap across the railing four steps down the landing at the band contest. 'She said he literally flew,' Yuka related with her eyes sparkling. Towa had the sneaking suspicion that she was wishing she had seen Yuki herself.

Said man finally stepped with his back turned to him, head tilted upwards. Long, shiny mane cascaded past his shoulders reaching past the shoulder blades. 'Is his hair that long?' Towa wondered.

No, it wasn't. Yuki just had his face upturned and decided to follow with the rest of his body and fall to the floor on his back.

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"Yuki!" He vaguely heard the man let out a surprised cry before dashing to his side, just in time to save his head from hitting the ground. Carpeted though, but nevertheless will cause a severe headache at least to whoever gets the opportunity to fall that way. "Are you all right?" The blond asked as he carefully laid Yuki down the floor; the latter did not seem to want to get up.

"Yes." Yuki sighed, turning his head to the side and letting his hair obscure his face. He felt like he could not face anything now, not his father, or his band mates whom he failed to bring success.

He remembered calling home to talk to his father; to tell him at least that he was home and to let him know that he was all right. He went for a walk outside just as Towa went to sleep, and on his way to buy something from the grocery store, he stopped by the phone booth and decided to call.

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_Yuki frowned at the receiver when his father's assistant answered at the other end. "Yukifumi- san, I'm sorry, your father is not available right now. Would you like to leave a message?" _

"Aa. Tell him that I've just arrived from the tour."

"Of course, Yukifumi-san. Will that be all?"

"Yes, thank you. Goodbye."

The wind blew the hair from his face as he stepped outside the phone booth. He was grateful that the rain had stopped for a while, so that he could walk back to Towa's apartment without getting drenched.

'"Of course, Yukifumi-san. Will that be all?"'

Yuki smiled faintly and shook his head. 'No, tell him I want to see him. Tell him I want to talk to him.'

A single drop of rain fell on him and he stopped to look up. Hundreds followed, bathing his sorrowful face and soaking his hair and clothes. The cold draft and the downpour sent a chill throughout his body and his soul, ungrateful for the feeling and yet thankful otherwise.

Thankful for the rain to be able to hide the fact that Yuki was starting to fall apart as a solitary tear slid down his cheek.

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Amidst his own musings, he could still feel Towa's eyes on him as the blond watched him for a moment. "Usotsuku na," was the blond's soft reply.

A bitter smile touched Yuki's lips. He was used to his band mate's blunt remarks however true they were. "Iie."

"Hontou ni?" Towa reached for the man's chin to get Yuki to face him. "Try telling me again without looking away."

'I'm not lying,' He thought to say as he tried to unfailingly gaze up at the bassist's piercing eyes. 'But he can see right through me and he will know that I'm not telling the truth.' "Tell you what?" He fought to say instead, and his voice was surprisingly clear despite the lump rising in his throat and the tears stinging his eyes.

"The truth."

"I'm tired." Yuki answered weakly, which was true since he had been practicing ever since he finished fixing his things. Physically he was tired, but mentally, emotionally, he was drained.

Towa said nothing. Instead, he cradled Yuki's cheek in his hand and brushed his thumb once across it.

Yuki's tears began to fall.

"Let it go," Towa was saying, gently brushing his dark locks aside.

The guitarist closed his eyes and lean towards the hand that now caressed his cheek. Smooth, dark brows creased in an effort to not allow himself to completely break down in front of his friend. Drawing out a shaky sigh, the older man reached to touch the hand that tried to comfort him. "I'm a failure...to my father, to the band and to myself."

"Don't say that."

"...I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't say that either."

Yuki peered up at his friend and attempted to laugh. "Then what am I supposed to say?"

Towa's face was solemn as he reciprocated his fake laugh with a sad smile. "At some point in a person's life, he experiences his lowest point. It's only natural, Yuki, like crying, so don't fight it either."

What are you supposed to say to that? Most of the time, Yuki thought that if it had not been for Towa, he might have completely gone off the edge and lost it. Although most of them say that Yuki was the one who kept them together, he would not have had done it without their help - Santa's support, Atsuro's cheerfulness and perseverance, Sakuya's clear determination and Towa's sound advices. However, there was a flaw to the other man's argument. "I can't ignore what's happening. I failed my father, no doubt about it. He worked so hard to train me; you should have seen me perform in Kyoto. And if it weren't for my indecisiveness, you wouldn't have gone through all the last minute changes either wa-" Yuki stopped, feeling the touch of Towa's soft fingers on his mouth.

Towa looked amused. "I didn't say anything about ignoring everything, Yuki. It is all right for you to recognize your faults, and it is better if you try to find a way to move on. Don't dwell on your problems though, because it will weigh you down."

"You say and do all the right things." Yuki spoke, and in doing so the fingers were removed from his lips, from which he felt slightly disappointed.

"Not all the time." The blond tried to smile.

Yuki smiled sympathetically. "Thank you, Towa. I don't know how I could repay you."

Yuki stood up and offered a hand to help the other man up. Embarrassment urged him not to look directly into the blond's eyes. Thus he failed to see the answer to his implied question lying in the depths of Towa's sad, brown orbs.

_The last thing I want is to see you cry._

TBC

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note:Correct me if I'm wrong, but I recall someone told me Towa's eyes were brown. My source could be wrong. ;p


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